So that happened.
And it was good. She's a tad bit hippy, but I'm okay with that.
I was worried about a lot of things. There's a lot of things I love in life that I think a lot of folks would judge, or see as not worthwhile. Twitter. WoW. I'm transitioning to a place where a lot of my best friends are people I've never met, and may never meet, and that's awesome, to me, because almost all of them are awesome.
"I believe that online friends are just as real, if not more so, than regular friends."
Once she said that, I knew I had found a good one.
She agreed that, yes, there was stuff I could work on, and that a lot of my self talk was not good. She understood my wanting to just stay home some nights and weekends and cautioned me against villainizing anyone.
Part of me worries that I need more of a challenging person, but it was the first session. I think right now I need the support. I need someone who will help me on the path I want to be on, not tell me it's the wrong path right off the bat.
"Is it making you happy?"
"Is it hurting you in any way?"
"Well…no, not really."
"Then it's good."
I loved that lack of judgment. That understanding.
She told me something at the end of the session which I can't at all remember. Something positive, something about self-talk. My usual crappy memory fails me. Something she told me to think about, of course. But it's okay. I walked away feeling more aware. I walked away feeling like, hey, maybe I can actually change some of this stuff in my head. Maybe I can really start to turn things around.
I mean, hey, instead of caving and buying the new iPhone cause, I'm sure, this will be the gadget that fixes my life, I've resisted. It may sound like a silly victory, but it is one for me.
As the title suggests, I'm seeing a therapist.
I may be jumping the gun posting this, as it's my first session tonight, and this person may end up being not a good fit at all. However, she's used smilies in the emails we've exchanged so far. So I have a good feeling. I was referred to her through a network others have had good experiences with, so here we are.
Why am I seeing a therapist? Because I keep repeating the same patterns, and I want help breaking them. It may be as simple as just exercising better willpower, but I think there are a few extra bits to this.
I fall into funks pretty easily, at the simplest of words from the right person. An offhand comment, not meant to offend, can make me moody and angry.
The words I speak to myself I would hit someone else for, in real life, for speaking to me like that.
I try to spend my way out of moods and to a better life. I realize I am hardly alone in this problem, but that doesn't mean it's not worth addressing.
If I'm not spending my way out, I'm eating my way out of them. I eat things I know are bad because I "deserve it," because "I can start things tomorrow."
It may be I need a life coach more than a therapist, but I'm willing to give this a shot. The last one I went to was just not for me, and I worry a bit that it may be tough to find someone who will understand that spending the weekend relaxing and alone is not unhealthy (and often not entirely alone, thanks to the internet). I do worry someone will say to me simply "stop playing that game" and snap to judge me for that, as if all my problems centred around playing a video game. Plus she was a bit more into New Age thought than I was entirely comfortable with and was not very understanding of the fact that I couldn't really take off work to see her.
So I don't know how this will go. I don't even know if I absolutely, 100% need this, or if all my confidence issues could be solved by moving out, losing weight and not playing WoW. But I'm not sure, and I'd rather try something and it not work than not try it at all.
Have you ever seen a therapist? How did it work for you?
A week or two ago, I came across this post on reddit. For the lazy, a guy remodeled a home, almost completely, starting with little to no knowledge of how to do so.
"Wow, I could never do that," I thought to myself, as jealousy worked its way through my veins. Not that I have any real great urge to buy up a crappy house and fix it up. But it bothered me that I couldn't, that this was out of reach to me.
Today, GFM posted a story about an ex of hers standing up to some verbal harassment, and the same thought ran through my head. And I was more than a little ashamed of myself.
But then I started to think, why couldn't I do either of those things? I can speak. I'm physically able (not in great shape, but I can walk, talk and lift things).
I started to examine all the things in my head I'd dumped into the "not doable, avoid" bin. And it's kind of a big bin, folks.
- Any kind of team sports.
- Any do it yourself or home improvement projects.
- Math or related work.
- Anything sales/cold calling related.
- Anything that involves me sleeping on a couch or not in a bed.
- Anything that involves me suddenly meeting people I'm not 100% comfortable with.
- Being loved and liked just as I am.
- Losing weight without some huge sacrifice.
- Resisting sweets or chips in the house.
- Driving in a city.
- Learning a new language.
- Any kind of singing (in public).
- Any kind of dancing (in public).
- Handling the mouths of cats or dogs.
- PC hardware maintenance/construction.
- Anything that involves tons of walking.
- Confront or participate in conflict.
- Be honestly happy for someone who has hurt me.
- Be honestly happy for people I'm jealous of.
- Live in the city.
And I've been thinking lately...why are these not doable? Thousands of people do each of these things every day. Millions, likely. Maybe even billions. It is only I that said I can't do these things.
It sounds like such a simple, basic, self-help 101 thing, that you set your own limits. But you do. And I definitely do. Some of these things are things I've tried and decided "No, I don't like that." But that's morphed into "I can't do that," and that's not fair. That's not right, either.
So, here's to doing the possible.
What limits have you set on yourself? What's in your "not doable, avoid" bin?
The last few days I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something. It'll get to be around 7 and I'll think "there's something I should be doing." Eventually, I'll remember that I should be recording a vlog. Then I'll remember, wait, no, I'm not supposed to be. VEDA is over.
That feels a little sad to me, still. It didn't really sink in until today. It's a rainy day at work, a bit of a rough one, and I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to hop online and watch some VEDA vids to cheer myself up. I could, of course, go back and watch some old ones, but still.
VEDA was, as always, an insightful and awesome experience. Not only did I meet tons of new people, make some new friends (and new guildies) but I created some things I'm really proud of. I explored my own lengths and strengths, and got a more accurate view of myself and my life. VEDA isn't just about meeting new people; it can be a bit of a reflective time, where you look at yourself. I mean, the whole point of VEDA is to film yourself.
I still haven't decided what all of it means to me. What all I learned about myself. Right now I'm trying to make small, little changes, to further my goals, and a lot of that was directly inspired by VEDA, by the people I met and the things I explored in myself.
Anyway, little bit of navel-gazing, but it's a rainy Tuesday here, so I think that's allowed.